I recently attended an aunt’s birthday party that doubled up as a general family reunion.
You know, one of those events where you recognise roughly 35% of the people in attendance and everyone sits outdoors around a patio heater (regardless of gale force winds) and drinks solidly for approximately 14 hours while an army of children, loaded with carbonated sugary beverages, swarms about making as much noise as possible?
Maybe that’s just my family.
Anyway, there were some choice quotes throughout the day. Unfortunately, due in equal part to the considerable volume of alcohol consumed and the absence of my laptop and even my notebook, most have been lost forever. However, I don’t think I could ever forget any of the following conversations:
In reference to a patio heater:
“Ya could burn rubbish and young fellas and all sorts in that thing.”
(Uttered with no apparent ill-will towards any young fellow in particular.)
In casual conversation:
“Do ya know black Joey down in Letterfrack?”
(In fairness there are probably many Joeys and relatively few black people in Letterfrack.)
My 20-year-old cousin’s career plan:
“I’m thinkin of makin coffins. There’s only one fella does them round here and I reckon I could do them cheaper.”
(Simple but brilliant. I am in awe.)
Conversation between a small child and his mother:
“Mam, can we get a hamster?”
“No lovey, those are too expensive. They cost, ahem, €150.“
“No they don’t Mam, I saw one for €10.”
“That one was dead, lovey.”
(Uttered with such unflinching sincerity that even I believed her for a minute.)